7/10/2015 – 1 Year Anniversary!
This entry comes from a great friend of mine. I met her when I was 17 years young as a freshman at Adelphi University and we remained friends for 7 years now! This entry is soooo powerful, insightful, and awesome!! With no further ado, Mrs. Chanise Anderson, please speak your mind Love One:
The points brought out in this article are personal/unique to me; they are experiences and lessons I have learned in my own marriage. Thus, it is not my opinion that every wife, fiancé, or future wife should abide or follow or even agree with the points listed below. This is what God has revealed and taught to me during my first of year marriage—this is only meant to provide insight, perception and possibly guidance! I love Jesus and my beliefs and values are founded in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit!
Marriage is a learning process. It is certainly NOT something that you will understand or learn overnight. You learn how to be a wife by simply being a wife and you learn how to be a husband by simply being a husband. If you have never been married before, you have NO expectation on what marriage entails other than what you are told by family and friends. BUT everyone’s journey/marriage experience is different!
Thus, it is imperative that you take your time with each other, and don’t rush the marriage process, and most importantly don’t fret about not knowing what to expect. The beautiful thing about marriage is that you learn together; you mess up together; you make mistakes together, you grow together. You do it together!! In addition, your #1 learning guide is the Bible! There are so many examples of beautiful marriages that you can learn from: Abigail and David, Abraham & Sarah, Isaac & Rebekah, Ruth & Boaz. Search the word, Search the word!! If you want to know how to love your husband, read 1 Corinthians 13; if you want to know how to honor your husband read 1 Peter 3; if you want to know how to take care of your husband read Proverbs 31; if you want to know how to submit to and obey your husband read Ephesians 5; if you want to believe God for something for your husband read Hebrews 11. With each day, you learn something new, you apply it and you grow!
2. Recognizing the difference
Ephesians 5: 23-24 tells us that “the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church…Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything”. A lot [I will not say “all”] of women hate being told what to do, including myself! But what God taught me this past year was the difference between control and leadership. Control is selfish, aggressive, demeaning, and sometimes even hurtful. On the other hand, leadership is Godly, meek, selfless and uplifting. I grew up as the only girl and I certainly was not use to being told no; lets just say I always got what I wanted even when it wasn’t necessarily good for me.
When I married my husband, I thought that whenever he suggested “we think about something first”, or told me, “I don’t think that’s best for us right now”, or whenever he just blatantly told me, “No”! The lawyer in me wanted a reason: why? Why! WHY! And when he refused to give me what I “wanted”, I assumed that it was because he wanted to control me—and wanted to show his manliness but I failed to see that he was showing me his godliness. God called him to be the head of the household, and I failed to see what could have harmed me, but because of his leadership skills, I was safeguarded from things that were not good for me or for our marriage. Harm isn’t always immediate, and sometimes we won’t see the effects of our bad choices until years down the road. If he is led by God, don’t be afraid to be led by him!
Anyone who knows me knows that I love to pray. I prayed for my husband before we were married so there was no doubt that it would continue when we got married. But the Lord showed me that once we were married, prayer wasn’t just necessary but it was VITAL. I didn’t realize the effects of prayer until I stopped praying [lazy days]. In other words, when I was praying, everything seemed to be going good but the times when my prayer life was lessened, we argued more, we bickered more and we were more irritable. 1 Peter 5: 8 says, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour”. When you stop praying in your relationship you make room for the enemy to come into your union and break down your marriage by sowing seeds of anger, irritability, and even hate. There was a reason why Paul told us in 1 Thessalonians. 5 that we must pray without ceasing. That means praying always, never stopping, consistently, unfailingly because of the very fact that Satan is an opportunist and he is always looking for loopholes into your marriage but prayer keeps those loopholes closed. Thus I have a gained a greater love for praying for my husband, but more than that, I love when my husband prays for me. Anyone who knows my husband knows that he is a man of few words, but when he does speak over me, his words release a sense of peace, and calmness over my life. Remember, It’s not about how much he says, but it’s about what he says.
4. Gender roles
Society tells you that the wife cooks and the man eats, the wife cleans and the man works, the wife washes the dishes and the man takes out the garbage. But in the Andersons house, we have broken all social norms and false expectations. When we got married and moved in together, the big question, was who was going to do what. We both worked and I was going to school full-time as a Law Student. We didn’t exactly come to an oral agreement about assignments and duties, but what we did agree on was that we are a team and we work together! Remember togetherness is the key as I mentioned earlier.
That’s right we are a team, God created Eve to be a help meet for Adam. There are no gender roles in our home, my husband loves to cook and I love to clean but we don’t hold each other to the obligation of always doing it. In fact, my husband and I cook together almost every night, either of us wash the dishes, either of us will take out the garbage, either of us will vacuum or clean the bathroom, either of us make the bed, etc. We are a team!! I take joy in serving my husband, He is my King, Sarah called Abraham her Lord and I cater to his needs as much as he caters to mine.
5. It’s not what You say it’s how you say it
Many of us women can be feisty at times, including myself. Nonetheless, it is NOT an excuse for any of us talk to our spouses anyway we choose. Remember your spouse is human, he has feelings, he has emotions and words can never be taken back. There were times over the past year, I found myself saying, “I didn’t mean it like that” or “that’s not what I meant”. I soon realized that it was important to formulate my thoughts wisely before I spoke. James 1: 19 says, “But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger”. Most of the time it’s not about WHAT we say but HOW we say it. Furthermore, I have learned that it s NOT healthy nor is it necessary to confront your spouse via text. It can wait! Yes it CAN wait! Wait till you get home, wait till your calm, wait till you’ve prayed about it and anger isn’t at its all-time high, once you’ve satisfied those prerequisites then you can sit down and talk about it.
It’s very difficult to go into a conversation with emotions on 100 –YOU WILL GET NOWHERE. You think more rationale when you are clam. Proverbs 15: 1 reminds us that, “a soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger”. Don’t stir up anger in your spouse intentionally or spitefully, be mindful and choose your words wisely. Your tongue has the power of life and death in it: tame it, control it, pray about it. Once you do decide to talk about it, give each other respect and honor, give each other a time to speak uninterrupted and then when it’s done, pray about it and leave it there. 1 Cor. 13: 5 says love keeps no record of wrongs! Stop bringing it up again and stop using it as evidence against them!
6. Biggest supporter
Proverbs 27:15 says “a quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm”. You are meant to build your spouse up not break him down. When I said, “I do” I vowed to become one with my husband. Thus, breaking him down, in effect, also breaks me down. If you are apart of a team, you can’t be against the team and expect the team to win or perform at its best. Constructive criticism is okay but it doesn’t become okay when the constructiveness turns into pure criticism. A house divided against itself cannot stand.
I am my husband’s biggest supporter. I support his dreams. I support his desires. I support his goals so long as they are in the will of God. So how can you show support? One way is by simply telling him you support him and actually meaning it: reminding him that you are proud of him and that you are here for him and that he is doing a great work. But of course the biggest way of supporting your husband is through prayer: commit his goals, and his plans and his desires to God.
A couple of other things that I will mention without going into too much detail is the importance of spending time together [date nights, movie nights, eating out, vacations, create a bucket list] and also the importance of spending time apart [distance makes the heart grow fonder]. And lastly, you can’t change him, only God can do that, pray about it and talk about it and leave it to God.
Hope this blessed you in some way, shape or form!!!! May the Lord bless you and cause his face to shine upon you! Jesus loves you and so do I!
Peace & Love xoxoxo,
Mrs. Chanise Anderson